saudades

I see my former self waiting for this. Sometimes before I fall asleep, sometimes even lying next to you, I feel her longing for that moment when we will meet. And sometimes, I see another doppelganger, in a future without you, missing this moment when you were there.

I board a plane. I go away from you. I board a coach and go further. I board a train and go further still. But I am travelling with the thought of you. It is close to me always. It is vivid, visceral. It haunts me with its form. If I focus on it enough, it is almost as if you are there. But you aren't there,

so I ask myself...

why did I go away?

The only way I can see you now, is on a screen. We exchange stories about our days. We tease and listen and laugh. I hear your voice, but I can't touch you. The more we speak, the more it frustrates. I find myself thinking, maybe if I smash through the screen I can graze my fingers against the stubble of your face. And in the early hours of hazy mornings when I wake, I toss and turn and search for you. but all I find is empty space. How can I, when can I, see you ?

All I want is to see you ...

No, its not that I just want to see you, I want to draw in the warmth of you. I want to wrap it arround me. I want to wear it. be smug with it, plush and rich as a floor length fur coat. and my eyes want to speak to you, want to whisper to you secretly what my words never say.

You are in the spaces of conversations I lose interest in. You are in the quiet pauses of the day. It is not that I am incomplete without you, it's that I am more myself with you, than when I am by myself again.

When we meet weeks later, finally, Your appearance through the arrival gate is confusing. difficult to understand. I can't comprehend. are you really here? i try to find the answer, but it is impossible for me to concentrate. How did you do that? How did you become... real again?

we kiss.

and it's... glorious deliciousness . we are giddy and giggly. probably speaking too fast, not making much sense. or maybe its just that seeing you is too much for me, and I can't make any sense. I have to remind myself there are others here. We're in a airport, surrounded by strangers. I almost forget my name.

You have returned to me. I have been waiting for you. But the best part of separating is reuniting.

Can you understand? Can you tell me my name?