Falling

I feel it happening again, and it is the most terrifying thing. this sense of suddenly losing ground, grappling with the air. and the descent, the descent is so swift, it distorts time. I must remind myself: keep breathing. Then comes that fleeting sense of euphoria, of freedom . I can do nothing but let it happen. I might as well replace the fear with joy. Joy is how it began after all. don't be afraid I tell myself. just let it happen.

On boxing day, we drove to a place by the english channel called Beechy Head. When we arrived and got out of the car, the view was insanely picturesque. I thought of it being painted, a backdrop on a film set. Too beautiful to be real.

I walked up as close as I could to the cliff's edge. I looked down. My heart raced. I looked again. I could only stand the view for a few seconds. What is it with me and these kind of heights.? Why is it that poised, looking miles downward, all I can think of Is how easy it would be to fall?

Take one step further, and fall. What would the sensation be like? What would I shout out? Would I make any sound? And the onlookers nearby, what would they do then?. there would be nothing anyone could do to stop it, to help me. Once I fell, all anyone could do is let it happen. The last thing I would feel would be the icy chill of the sea as I hit....

I back up, look away, walk back, until I'm further and further up a hill, ambushed by the stunning landscape, surrounded by beauty, every angle is” gorgeousness, three hundred and sixty degrees of calm. Every way you turn, another postcard. He joins me. Faced by all this loveliness, all we can do is smile and laugh. I say

it's ridiculous isn't it?

He's trying to take a picture on his Itouch. When I say “trying”, I mean he takes a picture, looks at the result, compares it to the view, sighs, shakes his head, and tries again.

I can't capture it.

No. You probably can't. So try remembering...

He ignores me. I look back to the cliff. The hills are also beautiful, but the cliff, the cliff is... breathtaking.| I think again of falling. I feel myself poised to fall, ground disappearing from under me, slipping. The earth spills between my fingers. It is the most terrifying thing. When you start, you can't stop it. and looking all that way down, I have no way of knowing if I will make this descent alone.