she thinks back to when she tried to explain the pain of heart break. she said she felt as if as if something inside her had died. As if someone had died. She had no idea. She didn't know she was lying. at the time it felt true. It was entirely a new kind of pain. a an ache. At times it would dull, but never truly go away.
it spiked as she moved .when she recalled something particular, when she remembered.. For weeks she lowered into this pain. For days and days she had no interest in leaving her room, in getting out of bed, in eating, in speaking, to anyone. For days she was perfectly content staring at a corner of the wall.
And then she got out, she thought she;d had enough. She attempted to engage again with the world but she couldn't. There was no energy or interest in creating a facade. Maybe she just had to accept it for a while, nothing could be done but to feel it. And so she let herself sink into it, expressed it when she could. Until she started to claim herself, see herself, to function in the world, again.
But she lied to herself about one thing. This was not, as if someone had died. She hates herself a little now for even making the comparison at the time. She didn't know how better to express it, but she couldn't have been more wrong. the sense of loss then, was nothing at all like someone dying.
Because when you separate from another, there is always the chance of reconnecting, at least as individuals, as two who have shared something . Or maybe time passes and you realise you weren't really ever meant to connect in the first place. You never truly lose someone in that way. They are still out there. but that is not the way, with death.
Real heartbreak, is knowing you will never ever have the chance to see someone again. Real heartbreak is when you must carry all the things you never said. Real heart break is the regret you feel for all those potential plans, and the parts of her, qualities you took for granted. That is the real break up, That is the only time you can say the feeling is something in you that dies , comes from someone that dies.
The other feeling is painful, hurtful, but it is nowhere near the same.
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